Ryan and Carolyn Nelson are COBYS adoptive parents living in Mt Joy, PA. Ryan works in construction and Carolyn is an RN. Their adopted son Noah is 5-years old and they have an infant their daughter, Merci.
Question: Why did you decide to foster/adopt and how did you come to that decision?
Answer: We really wanted to be parents and had the resources available to us, but we were unable to conceive. We also were open to parenting children who didn’t share our DNA. We eventually decided to use our resources and love to care for children who were in a season of needing parents to care for them! Carolyn says, “I felt like I was a mom without kids, and knowing there were kids who needed a foster mom was a need I felt like I could meet for them.”
Q: What do you think people who are considering fostering and adoption should know? Are there any misconceptions about it that need to be cleared up? What should the community at large know about foster care and adoption, even if they aren’t called to it themselves?
A: Fostering and adoption have very difficult aspects that we shouldn’t be naïve to, but it is such an amazing way to care for the needy among us; truly our neighbors. There are families who desperately need help, and fostering is a practical way to do it. Attitudes around it may be that it’s too hard, or too much work and it’s true that it’s both of those things at times, but it’s also work that needs to be done. The kids that you will care for will change you and your family for the better; fostering and adopting will expand your worldview, how you see the people around you, as well as potentially inspire your family and friends to also take a step of faith and foster as well.
Ryan shared this story: While talking about foster care and adoption with other parents I once heard someone say (very complimentarily) “I could never do that”. I know it was meant as a compliment and affirmation of the difficulty of what we were engaged in, yet I feel like far too many people approach/view fostering this way. Some of the concerns are undoubtedly very real. You feel like the time, energy or patience or legal or emotional requirements are too much and so “I’m so glad other people can do that because I certainly cannot” seems like a legitimate response. In some instances that sentiment could be true, but for the vast majority I want to interject a loud and confident “YES, YOU CAN!” Especially if you have a solid family or church or friend group, you absolutely can.
Q: What have been some of the joys and challenges of foster care/adoption, life with your adopted child?
A: So many joys! Just providing care to him- going to parks, bath time, doing little fun things at home is so beautiful. He is full of life and joy and his bright brown shining eyes fill us with joy. We also have been so privileged to have gained a whole new family in raising Noah. His biological family has become so dear to us, and we all enjoy being together – joined in our deep love for Noah and our desire to see him thrive. Challenges are seeing glimpses into his little heart that has been wounded along the way by transitions and changes in his life.
Q: What is unique about fostering a younger child?
A: Our son quickly accepted us as his security and as his caregivers. He needed us 24/7. We quickly found out what his interests and loves were and were able to engage with him to deepen our relationship quickly.
Q: How have you developed your own community, those who help support and sustain you in providing foster care and life as an adoptive family?
A: We shared openly from the beginning about our decision, and we allowed others to care for us! We think this was a very helpful move for us. By letting people know about the journey you are about to embark on, it invites support. You will find there are more people out there than you know looking to help others who are fostering or going through the difficulties of parenting children not born to them. It is a difficult road and is different than what most parents experience but, in that regard, there are very dedicated friends and coworkers out there looking to both give and receive support.
Carolyn’s sister threw us a “foster shower” as a party of blessing and also as a way to see our support system and have practical gifts provided to us.
Q: What have you learned about yourself (individually and as a couple) during your foster care and adoption journey?
A: So much! We aren’t as patient as we thought! We need to be humble and flexible. Our son will always have biological parents and that is an important part of his story not to be ignored, so that is something we need to also accept and support. Ryan admits he had a difficult time at first, concerned it would just feeling like endlessly babysitting. He feared he would not be able to bond with or fully commit himself to this boy’s well-being. He admits how wrong he was to think that, and says, “I love Noah more than I could ever imagine loving a child. God gives grace along the way and without a doubt we were meant to parent Noah, and he fits perfectly as our immensely loved son.”
Q: Why did you choose COBYS as the agency through which you wanted to be licensed to provide foster care? What is important about choosing a foster care agency?
A: COBYS is a faith-based organization which is important to us, and they reached out and responded quickly to my inquiry about potentially fostering! Ryan notes, “We were in the place where we were wondering if this was for us and if we could take it on. We decided to simply start moving and take the training and get certified. As we went, we became more and more confident and looking back it was well worth it.”
Q: What do you appreciate about working with COBYS caseworkers? How has the training COBYS provides, before and during placement, been beneficial to you in parenting?
A: Our process from starting training to licensure was about nine months. We felt supported and cared for through it all. The workers were personal and thoughtful. During our time as foster parents, our social work visits were so informative, non-judgmental, helpful in the sense of being provided behavior insight and parenting strategies, as well as we were provided reading material etc. I miss the visits with our social worker Ashtyn, and so does Noah! In general, fostering requires support, input, encouragement, and an understanding ear. COBYS provides another layer of all of that.
Q: Can you talk about your faith, and the role it plays in your decision to foster children? Is there a particular bible verse that sustains you?
A: As Christians we believe that the Bible calls us to serve and lay down our lives for each other. Parenting means you are serving every day, and parenting and serving a child that you are just getting to know at 3 years old with a trauma history is another level of self-denial. But we trust the Lord to guide us and help us, and we also know that our lives are not our own.
For us this was never a question of “are we called or not” though Ryan never felt specifically called by God to engage in the foster care system, he knows that a very real demonstration of faith is to look after orphans (James 1:27). So, by doing this hard work full time is being part of a community obedient God. Not that everyone must do every single task… but as a body, as a community, as a church we fulfill the commands of the Lord and meet the needs around us. One parent in one of their group meetings shared their decision to continue parenting a very difficult child. He noted how hard it had been so far for them but recounted that it was definitely for the good of their son… this parent summarized their position by stating, ‘His good is more important than our hard.’ This is how Christians operate. We encourage each other to follow Christ, even through the difficult times. We live self sacrificially because we see the ultimate example of sacrifice in Christ. He told us to love one another and then showed us that the greatest love lays down its life for its friends (John 15:13).”
